What are you smiling about?

Sleep is for weaklings. I've evolved beyond the need. With enough strategically planned shots of caffeine, I can go days without sleep. I suddenly have an extra 8 to 10 hours of free time. Think of all that I could accomplish in that time. I could finally make it through an entire edition of The Economist before the next week's comes. I could update my QuickBooks files. I could open and go through the box labeled 'important' that I packed back in 2001. I could cross off one, maybe even two things on my to-do list. There are so many options.

Unfortunately, sometimes there are kinks to be worked out in the early stages of evolution. For instance, I have uncontrollable hand tremors. That, combined with my dark, puffy eyes makes me look a bit like a tweaker. And, my dream of being a neurosurgeon is probably out. It's a sacrifice. Then there's the little issue that I hate everyone. Everyone. Except you, of course.

I've spent the day waiting for someone to piss me off. Just waiting for a reason to tell someone to fuck off. Yet no one is obliging me. Everyone is being nice. It's so fucking annoying. Even on the Avenue of Roses, drivers were polite. Doors were held open for me. The barista actually smiled. The neighborhood's latest future serial killer wasn't lurking in my bushes. Not even one annoying high school student stepped into the crosswalk in front of my car.

I've squeezed myself into my tightest jeans, slipped on my highest heels and put on my Anna Wintour sunglasses. It's my Super Bitch disguise. I like to look and feel the part. I've spent the last hour sulking at the coffee shop. I'm sitting in the corner giving people the evil eye, hoping they'll bite. But, as of yet, nothing. Maybe I should take off the sunglasses.

In the meantime, I've doodled a lovely little piece of artwork. I think it would look nice screen printed on a t-shirt. I've put a lot of work into it; it's very ornate. And, it makes a nice statement. It says "Fuck You".

So, anyway, everyone is Mr. and Ms. Fuckin' Sunshine today. I guess I'll just have to go home and hate people on T.V. There's no shortage of idiots there. And, possibly, I should rethink my foray into evolutionary advancements.

Oh my gosh, wait! Someone just sat down smacking their gum obnoxiously loud. Fantastic. FANtastic! This could be the break I've been waiting for...

Mission Accomplished

I'm thinking about hanging a big banner from my roof reading "Mission Accomplished". That way, every time I come home I can be reminded of all that I've achieved in the past year. Let's see, I've... uhm... I've... oh, wait, I've done nothing. Things are pretty much exactly the same as they were a year ago. Well, with the exception of a little more sun damage, a flagged passport and a significantly smaller bank balance.

The past several years I haven't made new year's resolutions. It's obviously working well (hence the banner); but, it seems like this mission might need a bit more direction - I need to shock and awe.

So, on this glorious day of hope and change, I've come up with the following New Year's Resolutions:

1. Finish what you've started. (This is kind of funny; I started my resolutions several days ago. I stopped writing after typing 'finish what you've started' and left to do something else. Enough said...)

2. Create something called a "budget". My financial backers have begun to get wary of my last minute vacations and large year-end bonuses. My company is mismanaged, doesn't keep up with industry trends, and has a shoddy product. So, I'm assuming it's only a matter of time before someone comes along to bail me out. In the meantime, I'll try to look busy creating a budget.

3. Get more learned. Apparently your brain starts to deteriorate if you don't use it enough. I've started to get tongue-tied with words over 2-syllables. Basic math escapes me. Although I had The Economist and Metropolis in my bag, I chose to read a two-year-old copy of People while waiting for the dermatologist this morning. I then proceeded to have a Tarzan/Jane-style conversation with her. "Benign good? Ma-lig-nant bad?" I need to renew my interest in PBS and chapter books.

4. Make decisions. Or not. Whatever. Maybe. Not only do I struggle to make decisions at all, the ones I do make are generally bad. And, I always know they're bad. I can't tell you how many situations I've gone into thinking "this is not going to end well". But, I do it anyway. For instance, let's say I'm, I don't know, thinking about bringing lawn care to my neighbor's yard. I'll do some research and ask all my friends their opinion. Do you think it's a good idea? All evidence and advice will point to "no". So, naturally, I'll immediately storm over the fence and start spraying pesticides everywhere.

5. Eliminate flip-flopping. I'm leaving for 6-months. No, I'm moving for a year. I'm moving to Buenos Aires. No, I'm moving to Istanbul. Next month. No, the month after that. Or, maybe... Ahhh! I even annoy myself. Either move abroad already or STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. If, on January 1, 2010, I am still living in Portland and talking incessantly about my plans to go abroad for an extended period of time please take me out back and shoot me. This may sound dramatic, but I'm pretty sure after FOUR YEARS of listening to me talk about traveling, my friends will rejoice in rolling my bullet-riddled, yet silent, body into the Willamette. (Note: Apparently Robert has the plastic wrap and car for the job.)

I think that's a solid platform to start with. Can I do it? Yes, I can.


"So long as I'm the president, my measure of success is victory -- and success." --George W. Bush, on Iraq, Washington, D.C., April 17, 2008